Jokes - Part Deux

[Joolz]

I’ve finally found my wife’s G spot! Who would have thought it, her sister had it all the time.

[spideyGirl]

[The Mad Collector]

[meerkat]

A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City.
The cabbie says, "Perfect timing . . . you're just like Brian. "

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab – things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros. He sang like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano . He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everybody's birthday and knew all about wine. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow . . . some guy that Brian."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every traffic jam. Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his #######! widow . . . "

[spideyGirl]

[Tonyblack]

Love it!

[ChristianBecker]

Haiku Computer Error Messages: these are not actual error messages, but are fun nonetheless.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
...

There actually is an operating system called Haiku. I'm not sure it pops up error messages as Haikus, though.

[ChristianBecker]

Feegled (off/ from?) the Gentoo Jokess thread:

SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM : You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM (NATIONAL SOCIALISM) : You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM : You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM : You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM : You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION : You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION : Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now an enforced Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION : You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[meerkat]

[chris.ph]

ive started 3 diets today i tried one on its own but it wasnt enough food

[meerkat]

[spideyGirl]

[Bouncy Castle]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier Crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Afgahnistan .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!' The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afgahnistan either!!

[meerkat]

[Bouncy Castle]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".




Sorry Dug, Aggie, et al.