Not fanfic, no no no, nothing to do with discworld, just my prezzie to the board. Merry Xmas
The Kiss of The Witch (or When Eddie met Maggie)
Edric and Yarrick, two bosom friends
Wandered the world from end to far end.
Heroes for hire, adventure their trade:
Yarrick cast spells and Edric bore blade.
Yarrick had ever for magic a flair
A slender young man with curly brown hair.
Quick with a joke and quicker to laugh
He carried with him a rune carven staff.
Edric was taller and stronger and brave
He carried a bow along with his blade
Handsome enough to make an old woman swoon
In his heart for the maids he had plenty of room.
In their travels one day they took a wrong turn
And entered a land of marsh and of fern.
They came to a village all drab and mud brown
A mouldy old sign called it Slumpy Town.
Since they arrived at fade of the light
They stopped at an Inn to stay the night.
Thin was the ale and meagre the fare
For the strangers the locals had many a glare.
But just as the pair were about to retire
They received an offer of a hire.
Through the crowd of the Inns patrons
Came pushing a group of Slumpys matrons.
The leader sniffed at them, down her long nose,
(With a beak like that it was no mean pose)
She, as the rest was all stiff, prim and proper
And addressed them with a voice like a chopper.
She said: "You two lads look just the ticket
To save our town from a witch most wicked.
If you take the job we’ll pay you well
To dispose for us of the bitch Margarelle."
"We’re the boys, you’re perfectly right
To save you from your terrible plight
We’ll get rid of the witch, lickety-spit
Have no fear," said young Edric.
"Wait just a minute," Yarrick said,
"Edric’s all heart, but I am the head
The brains, if you will, of our operation
Still, I’m sure we can reach an accommodation."
They got down then to serious haggling
With many pleas and finger waggling
But soon they found their services sold,
To rid Slumpy of witch: a purse full of gold.
And so the next morn found them heading down
A less travelled path leading out from the Town
The witch, they’d been told, lived down this way
But little more of her would the matrons say.
Edric said "How should we fulfill this quest
What is the best way to a witch best?
Yarrick replied "We'll just see what we find
Then will be time to make up our mind."
The path became ragged, naught but a track
And led them past a tumbledown shack
In the garden, down on her knees
Was a pretty young girl pulling up weeds.
She had brown eyes and a face like a heart
Framed by long hair and raven dark
She looked up and smiled as they passed
So Edric thought it time to pause in their task.
Edric yelled "Ho, fair maid, could you us tell
Which is the way to the witch Margarelle?"
"Why," says she, "why want you to know?
Why should I tell and why should I show?"
"The goodwives of Slumpy have sent us two
For a small job of witch-cleansing to do
But I'm afraid, our quest's hit a snag
And we need to know just where is this hag."
"To do you this boon, point out what you seek
I demand as my payment a kiss from you each!"
Never slow in such matters Edric leapt the fence
And hugged the young girl in a firm and closer clench.
Edric's blood sang as their lips pressed
His heart beat like thunder inside his chest.
His ardour was hot as a glacier is cold
She was panting when he let go his hold.
Never had she been kissed with such zest
She spoke to Yarrick as she caught her breath.
"And now it's your turn, it is only just."
The mage said "Oh very well, if I must."
Yarrick went to peck her on the cheek,
A kiss by all means mild and meek
But at the last moment she made a twist
So that he kissed her right on her lips.
Edric laughed at his friends distaste
"Never mind Yarrick: he's terminally chaste!
So, fair maid, what do you say?
Where is the witch and which is the way?"
"Well, my good lads, you've found what you sought
Right here does she stand, and easily caught
I am the witch you've come to quell:
That cackling old hag called Margarelle!"
The friends were suprised and started forward
The witch backed away as if she were cornered
She held up a hand and shouted "Hold!"
The lads jerked to a stop as if frozen cold!
"What is this? Some kind of trick?"
Asked the immobilised Edric
Yarrick who was equally held
Said: "It is some kind of witch's spell!"
Margarelle, rolling eyes, said "Why, how astute -
Now let me tell you both the truth."
The lads stood as though laden with chains
Whilst Margarelle her magic explained:
"As I grew up my dying father
Knowing what evil men are after
So that I could their trouble quell
Laid upon my lips a lasting spell.
So that whosoever do I kiss
Will do whatever I do wish
Their will will be mine for a time to command
Thus I was protected from their lustful harm.
And it has served me right and well,
My father's last dying spell;
For men from Slumpy, now and then
Have come to this, my lonely fen.
With thought to steal what should be given
So with one kiss their will's I've riven
And sent them back to their homes
With tales to tell their wifely crones!
And now that you know the depths of your plight
You must obey the witch you came here to fight!
Though I've hurt none these many a year
You'll be the first, my boys I do fear.
For though I wish that you just went,
I cannot trust you for evil intent:
You've taken hire to end me my life
So I must visit you with the very same strife.
That's a fine bow I see that you carry
Draw it back now and don't you tarry
Aim it straight and true to the mark
Fire an arrow at your friend's heart!"
Edric's limbs moved, though he wished they would not
He drew on his bow and let loose a shot
At that range his aim was the best
And the arrow flew straight to Yarrick's chest!
"Ouch! You bastard: that bloody hurt!"
Said Yarrick rubbing his chest through his shirt
A bruise, it seems, was his injury's worst
For Edric had shot his arrow feathers first!
The witch stamped her foot in a bit of a temper
With ice in her voice she said "Oh very clever!
But I'll fix you for all of your wit,
Now, you," she said turning to Yarrick.
"If a mage you do be then unleash your power
Turn your friend into a creature most dire
Do it right now, hold back not the least
Make of him the most fearsome of beasts!"
Yarrick raised his rune carven staff
And made in the air a weird mystic pass
He spake odd words in a tongue dark and fell
And with a final shout completed his spell.
Edric looked down, in some bemusement
To see just how his freinds spell had went -
Whether he was now a beast feirce and strange
- But he found him to be completely unchanged!
Yarrick smiled and gave the witch a shrug
Explained in a voice unsufferably smug:
"You, I am sure, will understand
That the most fearsome of all beasts is Man."
The witch sighed and turned back to Edric
"Draw your sword and be right quick
Strike off your friend's curly head
Then fall on it and be both dead!"
Edric, his sword thus unsheathed
Stepped forward with gritted, grinding teeth,
His muscles shook, sweat wet his brow
'Gainst magic spell his will he threw.
Watched by waiting wondering witch
He walked to nervous Yarrick
But with a final effort grand
Edric broke the chains of her command!
"I'll not, I think, kill him this day
And you will not have your way
Your magic's beat and you have lost
And now, my dear you'll pay the cost!"
He walked to the witch, raising his blade
'Till he stood over the pretty young maid
She looked up once, then bowed her head
And in a small voice Margarelle then said:
"Very well, then do as you must
Strike quick now, I'll give you no fuss.
If there's a profit to be made of this mess
At least you'll end my bitter lonliness."
Edric grimaced, his face a grim mask
But found he could not complete the task
"Oh bloody Hell, this is no good,"
He said as he lowered his sword.
"I'm just not up for killing this girl
If I did it I know just how bad I would feel
Yet when we took the hire we swore our word
And our honour should not be easily turned."
Said Yarrick: "This is not such a pretty pickle
There's an easy answer to this riddle
When we were hired no one said "kill"
So without death the contract we can fulfill
You, dear witch, must leave this place -
Begone from Slumpy without trace
We'll have done as by our hire was bid
And the town of you shall be well rid.
But if you stay and we do leave
You'll not be safe, I do believe
For the goodwives of Slumpy Town
Wont be happy 'till you're done down.
The witch asked "Am I then to leave my home
And into the world venture alone?
All I've ever known is here
And I confess the road I do fear."
"Well, since we've made you leave Slumpy
Us you can accompany,"
Said Edric "At least until you find your feet
And perhaps you'll find our company sweet."
To cut a long story short
She agreed to that leave she ought.
As the witch went to pack a bag
Yarrick said "At least she's not some old hag."
Margarelle said "Edric, I promise you this
You shall give me another kiss."
"I'll not do that," Edric averred
"I'll kiss you not, upon my word!"
"Oh yes you will, you just wait
For you my lips are a choice bait!"
"Don't be so sure I can't resist
The doubtful lure of your witchy kiss!"
"Oh I'm sure you'll not be chaste
With lips so sweet you'll take a taste!"
"I'd like the taste but not the bill:
I'll not surrender my own freewill!"
So bickering thus all along the way
To Slumpy they went to collect their pay
And into adventure's golden mist
Strode the wizard, warrior and witch.
Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change? ~~ Oddball